We have done a lot of good when it comes to mental health awareness. But today, one of our needs are forgotten. The need to be content. When I hyper fixate on the things I wish I had or the way I wish I would be treated, all I can think about is how unhappy I am. It kills motivation, and it prioritizes my feelings over discipline.
I have struggled with the feeling of lack when it comes to my emotions and feelings. There was a very real piece of needing to heal which slowly began when I gave birth. Especially coming from a hyper independent woman. But even then, I became that way due to my discontent of not wanting to rely on those around me. Either I felt like they weren’t reliable, my vulnerability would be made fun of, or I felt my reliance made me weak against them and would be used as a manipulation in the future. But when I found people I could rely on, I chose not to because I was so convinced I needed to stay strong. This way of living kept me in emotional lack and caused me to be discontent in every relationship and in almost every aspect of my life. This caused a constant spiral of depression and mental anguish.
After meeting my husband I was drawn to him like a magnet. I was involuntarily trusting him with things I hadn’t trusted anyone with in a while. We married and with each day that passed, his gentleness and love softened my heart. But it wasn’t until our first child was born that I allowed myself to receive his help, or even ask for it. This made me rely on my husband in almost every way. This reliance was one of the most difficult but rewarding things I have experienced. He showed up in every way. That is where he fully gained my trust.
But it was not enough for me to be fulfilled. I was still discontent with our relationship. It wasn’t until I randomly turned on a catholic religious talk about women adapting discontent as a worldview that I began to understand my problem. I was choosing to hold off on my happiness with my husband because I wanted something more. Because I was so desperate never to settle again, I was discontent in everything. Discontent in how I was spending my life. Discontent in how motherhood was like. Discontent in my house. Discontent in how I felt.
Now my question is, what is the difference between being content and settling for less? Being content is to be peaceful and happy. It is to be satisfied(adequately meet or comply with a condition, obligation, or demand). I guess that is best answered with a question. Is the actual situation bad or harmful, or does it simply differ from my fantasy?
An example of a bad or harmful situation would be something like this:
My husband comes home and doesn’t greet me the way he usually does. When I ask him what's wrong he ignores me. When some time passes he refuses to talk about it and makes me feel bad for asking.
You know it’s most likely a bad or harmful situation if you will think about how you were treated longer than a couple minutes or if after the situation you feel self-conscious/self-hatred.
An example of different expectations:
My husband comes home and doesn’t greet me the way he usually does. I ask him what's wrong and he apologizes and says he is tired from work.
This is where I usually become discontent and think about how his greeting made me feel unimportant. Being content and satisfied in the relationship, I can change my view from myself to him. I can make him a snack or some tea and spend some quiet time with him while we eat together, fulfilling my need for connection while respecting he has his own needs.
Becoming content will also help you realize when something is truly bad or if you need to adjust your desires to match your needs.
If you want, try writing out your own examples of where you feel discontent. After reviewing it, label it as harmful vs different expectations. Then write how you could have better boundaries if it is ‘harmful’, or what you can do to keep your peace in a ‘different expectation’ scenario.
Take Care,
Jacqueline Marie
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